My thoughts, rants, raves, problems

why?

2008-03-06T23:25:32Z

I just found out today that Casey is getting married! yes... MARRIED. But why is it effecting me so much. I mean, how he treated me, and how he is such a horrable person for not being there for his own daught but how he can take care of his girlfriends baby that isnt even his!

As much as i wish it wasnt effecting me, it is. and i wish i knew why. He was my first love... well, first everything. We were together for 2 years, the first 6 months was great after that was all down hill (ocasionally good). He's got a gorgeous daughter whos life he is missing out on while hes taking care of "his" other kid.

I know his family is gonna want Hannah to be at the wedding, but why should she go, she doesnt even know who he is.

want, have, had

2007-04-02T11:53:56Z

What i want in a relationship/guy (just a few): 1) Someone that makes me laugh, 2) Someone that can tell somethings wrong even when im smiling, 3) Someone who suprises me with little things, 4) Someone that my parents like, 5) Tell me everything gonna be alright when im down, 6) Someone who's not scared to introduce me to his friends, 7) Someone who lets me choose what movie to see or where to go to dinner, 8) someone who goes out of his way to open a door for me, 9) someone who and laugh and my stupidity instead of put me down, 10) someone who belives in me, 11) someone who tells me im beautiful or that i look good in the clothes im wearing 12) someone who calls to make sure i made it home ok

What i had (Casey): 1) How often did you see me laugh or happy when i was with Casey? not alot! 2) He never cared about my feelings, 3) His idea of a suprise was goign to dennys for dinner, 4) My parents hated him,5) His way of telling me things are gonna be alright if im down is trying to get in my pants, 6) He introduced me to his friends: the computer and playstation, 7) His idea of a movie: his Anime collection at home, 8) I always opened his doors doors,9)Caseys favorite saying "Your so fucking stupid" on a serious tone 10) He always told me he didnt think i was going to ever finish HS 11) "your hips look huge in them jeans" 12) His way of making sure i got home ok: "have a good drive home"

That was just a few things i had in my last relationship (with Casey). Heres a list of

What i have (Mike): 1) Always makes me laugh, even if im crying, 2) Mike: "whats wrong?" Me: "Nothing" Mike: "dont lie to me... somethings wrong" 3) He suprised me by going out of his way to leave me a flower on my car while i was at work, 4) My Mom and Dad (yes, i said my dad!) likes him, 5) when im upset/crying/angry/stressed he always gives me the biggest hug and kiss and tells me everythings gonna be ok, 6) He acts the same around his friends when im with him... hes not scared to hold my handor give me a kiss 7) He lets me choose what movie or what we want to eat 8) i dont think ive had to open one door if im with him 9) if i say something stupid/funny/idiotic/ he just looks at me and laughs and gives me a hug and a kiss, 10) he cant sleep untill he knows i made it home ok, 11) he plays with my ahir, 12) he gives me massages, 13) he pays for everything (even for hannah) except for when he was laid off and couldnt gind a job for 2 weeks, 14) he tells me i smell good, 15) hes not scared to ask about our future.

I got great boyfriend, wonderful family and friends, a beautiful daughter, a job, a roof over my head and a rinning car... the only thing im missing is - MONEY! I can acually say i am happy with everything going on in my life right now (for once!)

Except one thing... My aunt laura was diagnosed with breast cancer on Thursday. She is a huge role modle to me... please keep her in your prayers! thanks

why?

2007-03-30T12:16:25Z

I dont understand why bad things happen to good people. We found out yesturday that my Aunt Laura (Ambers mom) has breast cancer. i thought we were finally over this when Aunt Sharon was done with her cancer. and now its happening agian. Im scared for my mom. ever since we found out aunt sharon had cancer (thankgod shes a survivor of it) i keep bugging her to go get a mammogram and she keeps putting it off. Well, hopefully this is a wake up call for her. Theres 4 kids, 3 girls, including my mom, and 1 boy, and her 2 sisters have now had cancer. and my great aunt clair (my moms aunt) is a survivor of breast cancer also and.... my dads mom died of Cancer! WTF?!?!? its like its all happening within the last 2 years. And now my grandparetns are gonna pay for me to get a mommogram since it runs in the family and the more people in the family that have it the higher the percentage is of me having it.

I cried last night. I cried for anyone who has had or has cancer. i cried because im scared for aunt laura. she is a HUGE role modle in my life (and so is my aunt sharon) and i dont know what i wold do if anything happened to her. I have a close relationship with both my my aunts. i gotta stay strong. For her and the family. I cant imagine what morgan is thinking of her mommy having breast cancer. And Amber, it hurt me so much to hear her cry yesturday. the last time i saw her cry, i cant even remember, its been so long ago.

thinking...

2007-03-16T13:43:35Z

So things are going great with Mike and me. But for some reason im getting nervous. Not a bad nervous though. Maybe its the whole relationship thing. Since Casey ive had the guys ive been intrested in that ive sorta dated, but im in a Relationship now. like, a real relationship. and for some reason, im nervous about it. I dont know how to act.

Also, im not the only one i have to think about, Hannah is #1 thought in my head. Her and Mike get along great, they play together, she feeds him, gives him hugs and kisses. But i dont want her thinking that he's her dad. Its great for her to have a guy figure other then her father in her life, but now that Casey is coming around, i dont want hannah thinking mike is her daddy. and all i can think is "what if" me and mike were to break up. Hannah would loose another guy figure. Shes already lost Tom, she doesnt need to loose another.

Me and Mike had a long talk yesturday, and it made me feel good. I said i wanted to move slow and he understood. I want to be able to tell him everything else that is on my mind and everything that im thinking about. But i dont want to make him feel like im gonna end it or anything, because im not... i dont want to. I like how things are, i hope they keep going good.

out of it...

2007-01-30T03:02:44Z

SO its been ALONG time since ive posted on myspace. But i feel i need to now.

For anyone who doesnt know my friend Tom Crawford (connies fiance) died friday night. He fell off his bed while sleeping and hit his head on the night stand. we did not know the cause of death at the time, but today we found out he had a Heart Attack. He had several blood clots which caused his Arteries to thicken which sent him into a heart attack.

How could this happen to a24 year old guy? Especially Tom. He wasnt just a good friend, or a good fiance... he was a "father" to hannah. And when i first heard the new Hannah was the first person i thought about. Tom has been there from day one. He was the first one she looked for whenever we went to their house. Or whenever she saw him her face would light up and she would run to him "tom, tom, tom!!!"

Ill never forget him and i wont ever let Hannah forget him. Ill always remember the good times and his smart ass remarks, and how we faught like brother and sister... but no matter what, no matter what was going on he was always there for Me and hannah 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

I still think it hasent hit me as hard as it will at his service tomorrow. i dont know what im gonna do tomorrow. BUt i gotta stay strong for Hannah and Connie, and Tom and Connies Parents. I cant even imagine what they are feeling if im feeling this horrible. I knew Tom was a great guy, but i didnt realize how good of a guy he was untill he was gone.

R.I.P Thomas Crawford

update

2005-08-04T03:12:54Z

so long since i updated... but nothing really goin on that is new other then... i went on my first date tonight since casey and i broke up (almost a year ago) and it was great. Had a good time. Sweet guy... and suprisingly, he wants to see me agian! so excited. Other then that, nothing else to update. Hannah is doing great, growing fast!

blondeditz86 @ 2005-06-10T22:24:00

2005-06-11T02:26:52Z

Well... didnt do anything much today. JD came over and we went out to the mall to Pick up Ray. i hung out with Eric for a few miniutes before we left. Took Meg to get her car, and thats about it. Probably going to be a pretty boring weekend since its suppose to rain. I gotta work out at the mall tomorrow night from 5-9. Come visit me if you can (its pretty boaring). well i'll have my cell on at work, so give me a call!

blondeditz86 @ 2005-05-30T21:43:00

2005-05-31T01:49:24Z

To You...

Yeah I'm gonna hurt,
Yeah I'm gonna cry,
But no more..
Lately tears have stopped flowing
& lately its getting easier for me to move on.
Just like it was easy for u!
You told me all those lies just to have me by ur side so ill never leave..
Well look back on that shit and now look at this..
Baby I'm GONE!
& this ain't no temporary typical goodbye & coming back..I'M GONE!
The way i look at it is..i left Ur sorry ass b/c I'm -WAY- stronger than you'll ever be!
Yeah u were my first love but dont think you'll be my last!
Deep down ill still love u for many reasons but with the other reasons, don't be looking for me to come back!
I found out the truth about u and all your damn lies the hard way...
So thanks for that & for u.. I say.. BYE-BYE BABY!!

blondeditz86 @ 2005-05-17T10:18:00

2005-05-17T14:21:01Z

hey guys. Sorry i havent updated in a while, but ive obviously been really busy with Hannah! she's such a good baby! she sleeps through the night only waking up once to for about an hour to eat... ive gotten atleast 6 hours of sleep each night since we've been home! well, if you go to the halifax website: http://growingfamily.com/webnursery/babypage_view.asp?URLID=0L6E0Q0W4H you can see the pics of Hannah they took in the hospital and leave a message! love you guys!

blondeditz86 @ 2005-05-05T21:35:00

2005-05-06T01:38:44Z

Hey guys... sorry i havent unpdated in forever, ive been to lazy! lol. But im going to the hospital at 9 A.M. tomorrow morning, and they are gonna induce me! so we should have a new baby here by tomorrow night!

Its just not fair... my cousins went into labor today (on her due date) and only went through 3 HOURS of labor (and the baby is only 5Ibs 10 Oz)! how fair is that? i was suppose to go into labor before her and she goes in on her due date... im the one that is 10 days late! the baby is adorable though (he's so tiny!)

well, im gonna head to bed and try to get a good night sleep. Call the cell tomorrow when you want... Mom or Dad or someone will have my cell to keep everyone updated that calls!

Update...

2005-03-06T02:37:09Z

went baby shopping today with Connie and April... got a bunch of baby stuff off the $1 rack at Target! Its all cute though! The mall was interesting... Connie almost got in a fight with her ex b/f, he was following us around the mall trying to talk to Connie, she ignored them for a while, then she turned loose on him! it was funny. Tomorrow, we are going to the flea market, to see what they got out there... Cleaned to crib and the toys i got from Amber and Josh. I figured i better start getting ready since i only have about another month and a half!

blondeditz86 @ 2005-02-01T22:04:00

2005-02-02T03:09:27Z

"If there's someone who broke your heart into thousand pieces, there would be someone too, who'll put them back with his/her love."
Aunt Laura

blondeditz86 @ 2005-01-27T20:31:00

2005-01-28T01:33:53Z

how could a guy that loves his son so much, leave his son here with his cracked out mom and move out of state? i dont get it... even the nice guy are stupid as fuck.

blondeditz86 @ 2005-01-20T08:40:00

2005-01-20T13:42:18Z

well....

His name is Brian. He's 20 years old and has a 6 month old son. He's really nice (so far). i think this is the happiest ive been for 6 months! but the only thing is... he has RED HEAIR! :/ lol

blondeditz86 @ 2005-01-03T22:03:00

2005-01-04T03:05:10Z

Fuck you Casey! How are you gonna call me out of nowhere and tell me that your gonna fight for coustody once you find out that its yours? You havent been there for 6 months and now you want to? Fuck you!

blondeditz86 @ 2005-01-02T20:37:00

2005-01-03T01:40:35Z

Today was pretty good... went out to Samsula and watched my brother and some friends Paintball... I wanted to play! Came home and went to the mall with Meg and JD. Then we went to Dennys. Really though... My day was funner then it sounds... just ask details if you want.

Hope everyone had a great New Years... I know I did. Ask details deffinetly!

blondeditz86 @ 2004-12-25T22:06:00

2004-12-26T03:06:12Z

Merry Christmas everyone! Christmas was great! the baby made out better then i did!

Love...

2004-12-22T19:03:46Z

Well... Matt proposed to Danielle over the weekend when they went to Gatlinburg, Illinois (i dont know how to spll it). She was so excited. She's been wating to go there since they've moved there and Matt always has to work so he took the weekend off and drove over there and he propsed! No date set yet... but I think they're gonna have it up there in N.C. I hope they do... its georgous up there!!

blondeditz86 @ 2004-12-16T08:24:00

2004-12-16T13:31:52Z

I went shopping with Meg and JD yesturday. We dropped Meg back at her house around 6 and JD and me went to Super Target. Well, Shawn (JD's b/f) calls her while were there and starts yelling at her when he hears she's shopping! He said "do you ever not shop? youve been shopping alot latley. and we never have time for each other." News flash Shawn... She waited for you to call her from 5-8. you didnt call till after 8. She's not gonna sit around and wait for you or come over and watch you play video games for 5 hours.

He's just like Casey. He said some other stuff im not gonna mention, but it really made JD cry. So we left Target and JD is still crying and i told her "he's not worth it if he's gonna be like that." she said "you dont understand! it hurts because i love him so much and she doesnt give a shit about me!" i mean, she was yelling at me! I mean how can she tell me i dont know what its like?!?! Casey did the same exact thing if not worse. But i said "NEWS FLASH JD!!! I DO KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE." and she just kept yelling like i didnt know what it was like. It just REALLY pissed me off that she told me that i didnt know what it was like when i do. And when i got hom i just went to bed and cried my self to sleep.

None

2004-12-14T02:01:46Z

Well... I talked to him today. He said he wanted to get together and get caught up on what is going on b/c he has changed his mind and now he wants to be there. First, i told him that he was fucked in the head. That he expects me to just forget about all the lies he has told people about me and everything he has done to me and put me through and just all of a sudden let him be there? He said he was sorry, and the only reason that he did those things is b/c he was mad. Well, i told him i wouldnt keep him out of his babies life, and that if he wanted to be there he can be... but as far as we go, i want nothing to do with him personally. As much as i want him to be there for me and to forget everything and for things to be the same agian, i told him i will never be able to trust him agian. Second, i told him that if he wanted to be part of his babies life he had to stop doing Coke. And that if at the time of the birth, that i suspected he is still doing it, i would request a drug test b/c i dont need my baby to be around that. Third, I told him i will get together with him in a public place... because at first, he wanted me to come over to his house, but i was scared that if i did, i would give in... and he definetly aint coming here with my parents. I'm just nervouse abo9ut how i will feel when i talk to him agian! im scared i will give in and forgive him....

blondeditz86 @ 2004-12-12T12:14:00

2004-12-12T17:24:56Z

Hey guys... last night was my employee x-mas party. I was really stressed and tiered by the time everyone showed up! Casey Shows up at dinner time... it was just the wrong time for him to show up. I just walked inside and broke down... i cried for like 30 miniutes... Then i just wrote him a letter...........

Casey,

Accidentally, i opened a note of when we were together. And thats when it happened... that tear that i swore would never fall out of my eye, it fell.

And thats when i realized without you everything is different. You meant alot to me, and still do. But i never meant anything to you. And thats what hurts me the most.

Its the fact that you don't care about what happens in my life or to me. If i was to die tomorrow It wouldn't even matter to you, everything would be normal. You'd act the same.You'd feel fine like nothing is gone.

But without you, i`m so empty inside. And the more i sit here and think about you the more mad i get. I never thought this would turn out like this.

I thought you'd be different the second time around. But you were the same. You'll never change... not for anything.

All i ever wanted was for you to love me, to take me seriously. But i guess that is too much to ask for. I don't even think you ever liked me. I tried being like you so you would like me. But I'm tired of being someone I'm not.

I just wanna get out of this mess my life has become. And it hurts even more when you don't even talk to me. You act like i never meant a single thing to you.And like i never really mattered.

We had to have something because if we didn't I wouldn't be sitting here crying over nothing. I wouldn't sit here thinking about what we did together and what you said to me.

And when you said i love you, I miss those days so much. But it hurts even more when I know that your saying it to someone else. It hurts when i know your saying all those sweet things to someone else.

And it hurts even more when i know your looking at the stars with someone else. I don't think my life will ever be the same. I don't think my days will ever be the same.

I don't think my heart will ever feel alive again,or even if i have a heart. Because its been crushed and shattered and broken but when i was with you it all seemed to go away.

But now that i know ill never be with you again and that i know you'll never say i love you again. the pain is here to stay.

But don't ever worry because if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or Someone to run to. I'm always going to be here. And if you ever feel lonely, or even if you ever miss me, I'll be here waiting for someone to love me.

And maybe that person is you. Because now the puzzle that was already undone has been thrown off the table and now its time to restart my puzzle again. And be alive again because i know without you i cant be alive.

And i cant be happy. I might smile and laugh but don't worry the tears are dropping down my heart. They'll never end, so don't think you haven't affected my life. Because you have.

It'll never be the same. And sometimes i sit and wonder what is wrong with me. Why don't you love me? What do other girls have that i don't. Why cant i be the one you love.

So I'm sorry that i cant be all you ever wanted. Because i know you're all i ever wanted.

blondeditz86 @ 2004-12-09T09:57:00

2004-12-09T14:58:49Z

It's a GIRL!!!!

I'm Sorry.......

2004-11-14T16:15:23Z

I'm sorry I wasnt good enough to be the only one,
I'm sorry I wasn't there everytime you needed someone.
I'm sorry I went through so much to call you just that one time,
I'm sorry for everytime you asked and i just said "I'm fine."

If only I had known,
How it would be today.
If only I had known,
We'd go our separate ways.
If only I had known,
I'd be this attached.
If only I had known,
You'd be pulled away.

A tear is cried,
For everytime I hear your name.
A tear is cried,
For everyday i haven't been the same.
A tear is cried,
For everytime you made me smile.
A tear is cried,
For everytime you mad my day worthwhile.

I miss the way we use to talk,
I can tell you everything.
I miss the way we talked for hours,
without even noticing.
I miss the way you made me laugh,
almost until I cried.
I miss the way you made me feel safe,
Although you never tried.

I LOVE YOU, ANT I MISS YOU

blondeditz86 @ 2004-11-05T08:54:00

2004-11-05T14:03:22Z

Last night i went to the fair with Kristen and Jeff... Resa, we need to go back there this weekend, its $7 to get in! I had fun though... it was the most i have done since ive been sick, and the cotton candy was great but the funnle cake sucked!!!

Reeka, Amy, and anyone else from camp.... Bill and Kristen said HI! I saw them at the fair last night. Reeka... Bill said he got your e-mail and he will talk to you soon!

blondeditz86 @ 2004-11-02T19:33:00

2004-11-03T00:35:24Z

Hey guys! Hope everyone is doing ok... sorry i havent been updating or keeping intouch lately... I was in the hopital AGIAN and just got out Saturday night... havent really felt like doing much! But i had my first sonogrm on Monday!!! i heard and saw the babys heart beat! i even got a picture!!! My next visit is December 1 ond they will be able to tell what it is!